Wray Herbert wrote in the article, “How to Catch a Liar: The Cognitive Clues to Deceit”, “Most of us can spot barely more than half of all lies and truths through listening and observation.”1
Spotting a liar isn’t easy. Your own suspicions can get in the way of getting to the truth.
While some scientists reported two ways to spot a liar2, British researchers determined that eye movement is not a good predictor of lies.3
So, how do you know if or when your spouse is lying?
It is widely believed that nearly everyone lies on a regular basis.2 A study by University of Virginia sociologist Bella DePaulo asserts that some lying is necessary for everyday life.4
Here are some reasons your spouse might lie, signs that you are being lied to, and what you can do about the lies and lying.
Common Reasons People Lie
- To avoid conflict
- To supposedly protect someone’s feelings
- To avoid the consequences of their behavior
- To postpone having to make changes in lifestyle
- To hide something they did or did not do
- Because they are afraid of rejection or losing their spouse
- To be in control of a situation
- To avoid being embarrassed
- To make themselves look good
- To make themselves appear more successful, special, or talented than they really are
Are You Mislabeling Behaviors?
It is possible to mistake nervousness or distraction or lack of eye contact for lying? This may result in misreading or mislabeling your spouse’s behaviors. Nonverbal clues to lying can be difficult to spot and vary from individual to individual.5
The bottom line is, if you think your spouse is lying, ask questions and ask for clarification if necessary. A 2008 study suggests asking for eye contactand then ask ing that the story be told in reverse.6 It is important for you to trust your own gut and intuition or that funny feeling you may have inside.
Possible Signs of Lying
Remember — most of these signs can be easily misread and misinterpreted!7
- Touching chin, or rubbing their brows
- Crossed arms or legs
- Playing with hair
- A line of perspiration on the brow if it isn’t a warm day
- Saying “no” several times
- Continual denying of accusations
- Being extremely defensive
- Providing more information and specifics than is necessary or was asked for
- Inconsistencies in what is being shared
- Body language and facial expressions don’t match what is being said such as saying “no”, but nodding head up and down
- May place a barrier such as a desk or a chair in front of self
- Uncommon calmness
- Unwillingness to touch spouse during a conversation
- Being hesitant
- Slouching posture
- Rigidity or fidgeting
- Differing behaviors such as not acting in the usual way
- Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements
- Partial shrug
- Lack of finger pointing
- Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure
- Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like “um” or “you know”
- Lack of use of contractions. Prefers emphasizing “not” when talking
- Use of word fillers or evasive answers when on the telephone
- Lack of many pronouns while talking
- Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you, or turning away from you while talking.
Do You Confront a Suspected Liar?
Some experts say that when you believe you are being lied to, you should not confront your spouse with your suspicions right away. They recommend waiting until you have discovered more information and facts. Other experts believe that the sooner the cards are all out on the table, and the sooner honesty is lived out once again in a marriage, the better.8 Only you know what is best for your marriage.