I want something real.
I’m so tired of having to deal with someone who is back and forth with me. I am so tired of just constantly texting someone who never wants to see me. I am so sick of just having to endure so many first dates with guys whose faces I barely even remember at this point just to discover that there are never going to be second dates anymore. I am so sick of just these “almost relationships” that fill me with hope only to end up leaving me out to dry.
I am so sick of just being stuck in a vacuum of flirtation with someone without ever seeming to take things to the next level. I’m tired of not being able to break through that ceiling. I am so sick of having to lose people that I develop feelings for. I am so sick of the kind of love that isn’t here to stay – the love that turned out not to be real after all.
I am so sick of having to develop feelings for someone and having to fix myself up again because that particular someone decided to leave me. I am so sick of people thinking that I would be up for a casual hookup or a one-night stand. I am so sick of people thinking that I would be okay with being “friends with benefits” with them. I don’t want any of that. I don’t want any of the fake stuff.
I don’t want any of the relationships that don’t involve two people falling madly in love with one another; the kind of relationships that don’t have two people giving everything that they’ve got for each other. I’m so sick of the relationships that don’t add any meaning or fulfilment to my life. I’m so sick of the relationships that start out hot but end up burning out too early. I’m not interested in a relationship that just isn’t built to last.
I want a real relationship. I want the kind of love that is definitely here to stay – through good times and bad, through rich or poor, through sickness and health, for better or worse. I want all of that. I want that cliché kind of love no matter how corny it might be. I want to build the kind of love with a legacy that outlives me. I want to find a person who is actually willing to stay by my side even when I’m at my absolute worst.
I want to be with someone who isn’t going to be afraid of being with me; someone who isn’t going to be afraid of how they might feel about me. I want to be with someone who doesn’t just run away when things get a little difficult. I want the kind of love that is built to endure even the harshest conditions that the world may throw our way.
I don’t want to keep wasting my time with people who aren’t worth it. I don’t want to keep wasting my feelings on relationships that just don’t do it for me. I don’t want to keep wasting my heart on people who were never really deserving of having it in the first place. I value my time. I know that the clock is ticking and I’m not getting any younger. And it kills me that every second I waste with a false love is a second that I can never get back.
It kills me to know that every second I waste with a temporary relationship is a second that I could be spending with a real one. I don’t want to allow myself to grow attached to someone only to find out that they’re going to abandon me anyway. It takes so much emotional energy for me to detach myself from a relationship or a person. And that’s just the way I am. When I love, I really fall in love. I don’t hold back. I’m not shy about it. And that’s why I’m sick of dealing with cowards who are just too afraid to let themselves fall as well.
I’m not looking for some temporary placeholder here. I’m not looking for a rebound. I’m not looking for a band-aid solution to an emotional void in my life. I’m looking for the real thing. What I’m looking for is irreplaceable, unbreakable, invaluable, and rare. What I’m looking for is the real thing. And if you don’t think that you can give that to me, then please let me know ahead so that we can both stop wasting our time.
Frankly, I’m exhausted. But I’m still hopeful. I still cling to the idea that I’m going to find the love that I so truly deserve – and that it’s going to bring me so much joy and happiness. And it’s the idea of that joy that keeps me going – that keeps me hopeful.