A long-term love relationship, based on trust and mutual respect, is a rare commodity in our ready-to-throw culture. Yet this is what we dream almost all. What is such love based on and what conditions does it meet? Psychiatrist Dirk De Wachter has ideas: “Lasting love is rare, we live in a culture of dispossession dominated by fleetingness and superficiality.A growing number of people suffer from depression and loneliness and rushes The psychiatrist is actually a ‘grief doctor’.
The constraint of “I like!”
At a wedding party, no one doubts: this love rhymes with always. Yet one-third to one-half of romantic relationships fail. “Because the expectations are too high in a media culture where everything is presented, wrongly, from a romantic angle,” says Dirk De Wachter. Hollywood-style love is pseudo-love, an illusion. We know that the divorce rate among couples Stars is incredibly high, which does not prevent us to feast us with their extravagance in the popular media. The love of celebrity couples is often a way of the cross but we prefer to ignore it. We want to do like them: succeed. And that becomes accessible. Everyone can now marry a rich man. Relational instability is becoming more democratic. Separate, maintain many relationships, choose a partner younger and more beautiful, we imitate celebrities! The absurdity of the culture of advertising and film is deeply rooted in us, according to Dirk De Wachter. We are not content with the ordinary anymore. Everyone is tempted by the impossible. We believe that happiness is at hand and read eagerly the many tips that circulate. We are obliged to be happy! We believe that happiness is at hand and read eagerly the many tips that circulate. We are obliged to be happy! We believe that happiness is at hand and read eagerly the many tips that circulate. We are obliged to be happy!
This pressure is great, as evidenced by the constraint of “Like” on Facebook. But it is not feasible because a happy life permanently, it does not exist. “The quest for a state of constant individual happiness can only make us unhappy because it is doomed to failure,” insists Dirk De Wachter. He argues for the opposite: we must learn to be a little unhappy. When we put the bar so high and we simply that life offers with its limitations, we feel the pressure away that does nothing but make us unhappy.
The good side of life
The consumer society has changed our standards, warns the psychiatrist. And so also our vision of love: “Love must reach heavenly heights every day, a relationship where routine, everyday life becomes more difficult to digest.” We prefer a ‘wow’ culture of constant stimulation and challenge. “It is by stepping on the gas pedal that you will avoid lurching in the bend.Teaching to be satisfied with ordinary life is a boring message that you do not want to hear in general. We are always on the lookout for the ‘bright sight of life’, the biggest test for lasting love is ‘normalcy’, the everyday is not exciting, but it’s just that
More and more people are meeting their partner via the internet, which Dirk De Wachter also regrets: “We are showing ourselves in the virtual world in our best light, and we are presenting each other an idealized, unrealistic self-image. disappointments. ” Before the digital age, love sometimes took an opposite turn: from banal to sublime. Internet reverses the process: from an ideal image, we evolve towards the banal image … and the fall can be hard.
Meeting specialists who profile your ideal partner, if necessary with statistical guarantees, Dirk De Wachter does not believe it. A dating agency that claims to find you the perfect partner, comparing the profiles, it is defensible in terms of an affair, but in terms of love, it’s absurd. “It is impossible to make predictions about love, love works or does not work, love takes you by surprise and is very difficult to apprehend, which is what makes it so mysterious. “
He makes the same criticisms of attachment theories that predict your chances of success in a relationship. “The child who has been severely affected in terms of attachment is sometimes perfectly able to engage in a romantic relationship, while others, from a supposedly warm home, are unable to do so. ” Love is not only a matter of brain and psyche, it is also a matter of philosophy, of wisdom of life. Therapists will always find something in your past to explain your relationship problems. They want to map the problem, but a good deal of love escapes this need to quantify.
Love is not a verb
Partners will only be able to live together if they maintain a sufficient distance. Wanting to determine or control the partner is deadly. This shows that you can not support each other as “different”. “You never know how to be loved,” says Dirk De Wachter, “people who love each other keep trying to get to know each other better, it’s this desire that keeps love going.” In love, communication is crucial, not through SMS or Twitter, but in words and silences.The word nourishes love … just as much as silence.To love one another, there is no need to a talent as an orator, nor do you need to be particularly talkative to be able to communicate well in love, to be constantly jealous is deadly. “
Your love is deadlocked? Know that these harder times are inevitably part of life and sometimes result from our hectic lives. Love is endangered by lack of time. To love, we must distance ourselves from this agitation. “A couple unable to sit idly may have a problem,” concludes Dirk De Wachter, “Couples crossing gray days can sit on a bench and watch the sunset together, without saying anything. It’s a very strong experience that can bring unexpected fruits. “