“It hurts me a lot, but I love it so I do not want to leave it . ” This is the testimony of many women that I have the opportunity to meet. Disagreements about children, the future, communication, sexuality or just the vagaries of everyday life … How do we know whether to make compromises or, on the contrary, stand up to things that seem fundamental to us?
Unlike what the Bible said, no, love does not excuse, believe, hope, and endure everything.
For a healthy and forgiving love, here are my tips.
Accepting a situation that does not suit us, mourning an idealized relationship, sacrificing oneself is usually not a choice.
The relationship of the first months and years has not revealed the points of convergence and comes the day when everything breaks out. We discover the other from another angle, foreign to all that we had seen in the past.
These points do not suit us, but we do not want to put an end to the whole relationship built. The context is often not the same as at the beginning and the stakes are more serious: children, marriage, place of common life. Stability and protection are then privileged in the face of our real well-being in the couple.
Generally, we are led to reluctantly accept when:
- The investment in the couple was too important quickly(marriage, development couple, birth of a child). We did not have the time to discover our partner in all its forms and the divergences burst once the return back more difficult.
- Loneliness and the loss of our habits scare us. To leave it is sometimes to start from scratch and go through a phase of galleys and uncertainties . So we stay and we accept.
- It seems akin to there are no other culls .. If I leave him, will I find someone else?
Know when to accept …
We can begin to love healthily from the moment we understand that the ideal companion does not exist . No man will completely fulfill the list of qualities that we expect in love, just as your partner will certainly have defects that you considered until now crippling.
By detaching ourselves from these unachievable requirements, we accept to deal with the imperfections of our man , but also ours. We no longer see it as a sacrifice, but a way to strengthen the couple.
You can ask your man to change some things, but the question is: is this change for you or for the couple ?
It is better to avoid trying to shape your companion according to our ideal. If he agrees at the beginning, eventually it will get bored. Too many reproaches and demands, changes where he does not recognize himself = bad plan.
A sentence of the psychiatrist and psychotherapist Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz relates a very pertinent point on this subject: ” The condition of true love is to fight against the narcissistic orientation which pushes us to perceive the other through our own desires and our fears “ .
In other words, we really only like when our intentions and our actions towards the other are no longer dedicated to our well-being, but to that of the other in priority .
When we reach this stage, forgiveness and empathy are all the easier.
To know how to accept the differences and the faults of the other for the well-being of the couple, it can be:
- Accept that it does not always work like us. Ex: He does not have the same household organization as you . For one, it’s every day a little cleaning, for the other, it’s the spring cleaning at the end of the month.
- Accept that he does not necessarily have the same tastes. Ex: You do not understand why he has this passion for video games / football / llamas from Tanzania
- Accept that he does not have the same needs. Ex: He needs to see these buddies while you are more lonely.
- Accept that sometimes he too is tired or clumsy. Ex .: After a difficult day, you needed to confide in yourself and yet he fell asleep.
However, it is not good to accept ALL.
… and do not accept.
If in the previous paragraph, I encourage to put his ego and some of his desires aside, do not sacrifice all his projects, basic life choices.
- If your visions of life are diametrically opposed(you want a child, not him / you are homeless, he wants to go around the world / you want a free relationship, he only accepts monogamy, etc.), you have to to face the facts: one of you will be unhappy.
- If your visions of love are different(one sees love as passion, the other as great affection, more platonic), the needs of both will be too inconsistent for it to work.
- If efforts and compromises are really out of balance, do not worry about trying to fix everything every time. In the long run, you will not hold.
- Worse, if he does not respect you or mistreat you, run away! Nobody deserves that.
Define a list (in your head or on paper) of the points you necessarily expect from your spouse. Points you do not want to overlook.
For example, for me it would be: complicity, communication, loyalty and equality.
If some would accept a man who shows very little sign of affection in everyday life, in my case, I know beforehand that I will not be able to accept it. In the long run, I will suffer too much. So I do not engage in serious relationships with men not tactile and demonstrative.
This list can of course be changed, evolve according to our life experiences.
Does your list match that of your partner? Does she agree with your current relationship?
Sometimes we think we know perfectly well our half as well as their basic desires and projects … wrongly. To recite psychiatrist Malarewicz (he’s really good!), “There’s nothing worse than being persuaded to know each other. This postulate prevents us from seeing it evolve and breaks the thread of communication .
If you are going to have a long relationship, you will soon find out that the man you are dating today is probably not the same person for whom you fell in love.
People evolve with time , their desires and character traits too (and thankfully!). Maybe it has changed and you too, and your new cravings / needs are no longer compatible ?
It is therefore necessary to communicate regularly with the other to check that you are in the same wavelength. (I will always say it again: communication is the key, provided you communicate well).
Balance sheet time
Now you decide.
Do you really find that acceptable? Is it a fundamental problem where you sacrifice your most important dreams and desires?
If you are willing to accept big problems in your relationship in the hope that it will change someday, it’s dangerous . Set a waiting limit (if it does not change in x years, I will not accept it!), Otherwise you could wait forever.
If you hesitate to accept his little manias and his character traits that annoy you, discuss with him and / or be indulgent. Once again, the ideal man does not exist.