THE TRUTH IS, YOU WILL NEVER BE THE MAN I WANT YOU TO BE - Thoughts Feeds
  • August 25, 2019

THE TRUTH IS, YOU WILL NEVER BE THE MAN I WANT YOU TO BE

I wanted us to work out so badly. I wanted you to be my happily ever after, my best friend, and the man I can rely on. I wanted you to look at me like I was the most precious thing you have in life.

I wanted you to go crazy about me, to need me as you need the air in your lungs. I needed you to put me first, to ask for my opinion, and to remind me how good I am from time to time.

But none of that happened. I gave you my everything and you didn’t reciprocate. You didn’t even try; I was the one who was keeping us alive.

You probably thought, “Why bother over someone who is already mine?” Right?

I don’t know if you ever loved me or just pretended to get things you wanted from me. If you were pretending, then I must say that you did it perfectly well. I never doubted anything you told me or did for me.

You knew the perfect way to deceive me and get all that you wanted from me, while I was always at your disposal trying to satisfy you. I couldn’t recognize that you were just taking advantage of me. I believed all that you told me; I believed that you love me and that you can’t live without me.

But in fact, it was the opposite. You could live without me because I never meant that much to you. I was good just because I knew you so well. I was good because I knew what kind of coffee you like, what you ate for breakfast, and how you like your clothes to be organized in your wardrobe so you can easily find what you need.

You didn’t need a lover. You needed a housekeeper. Someone to clean, iron, and cook. Then someone you could take to bed from time to time when you want it.

Someone who would look at you and admire all your business successes. You needed someone to obey all that you say and respect your opinionmore than they respect theirs.

You needed a victim who would be everything you always wanted, someone who would sacrifice their lives and time to make you feel good. And you wanted all of that to happen in the name of love.

And you know what the worst thing was?

I accepted to be that woman. I accepted to put myself second, to obey all your rules, and to be the woman you would like. I changed so much just so you would like me more. I still don’t know why I did it, but I finally know that you weren’t worth it. No man is worth it, in fact.

And the one who is will never make you go through something like that. In trying to impress you, I lost myself completely. All my days were focused on you and on what you wanted. I didn’t even care about myself because you were the one who was more important.

I gave myself to a man who couldn’t care less for me. I thought that I found real love, where in the end, it was everything but love. It was a period in my life that cost me my nerves, well-being, and peace.

I never thought that a strong and independent woman like me would fall for someone like you. I never thought that a man would ever be able to deceive me and make me do whatever he wants. I never thought I would ever put someone else first. But all those things happened. And they were worse than I could ever have imagined. I loved you like crazy and in the end, I ended up being called crazy by you.

I wanted my peace so much, but you wouldn’t have it, telling me that I was weird for wanting to be alone all the time. And the truth is that I didn’t want to be alone, I just wanted to be saved from you.

When you told me you don’t like me spending time with my friends, at first I thought that it’s just because you love me so much and kind of sweet for not wanting to share me with other people.

But when it transformed into obsessive control and gaslighting, I knew I should do something about that. I couldn’t lose my identity so easily. That should never happen. I couldn’t let you take my life into your hands. And even though I gave you plenty of opportunities to change, that never happened. And it never will.

That’s why this time, I am giving up on everything. I am giving up on your fake love, on your empty words, and on your actions you never took to show me your love. Your pseudo-love is killing me and it is time to finally save myself.

Staying with you will just hurt me more and I am already destroyed from all your lies and cheating. I am leaving because you never were, you aren’t, and you never will be the man worthy of me.

I just hope that all these years that you spent with me served its purpose and that you learned how not to treat a woman. I also hope that you will be sorry for everything you did to me.

And what’s most important, I hope that one day, you will forgive yourself for all the torture you put me through. Because the truth is, I have no intention of doing that.

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