Long-distance couples: how to make love go away - Thoughts Feeds
  • August 25, 2019

Long-distance couples: how to make love go away

It happens to all ages and can be transformed into the history of life. “If you can find a balance by rewriting all the rules,” advises the psychotherapist

“The best thing about a vacation should be to leave everything behind and do unexpected things … and you are completely unexpected!” Said Cameron Diaz to Jude Law in the film The Holiday, Love does not go on vacation . Sometimes it happens: the vacation period was not only beautiful and restful, but it also brought a twist, a love story. “An experience that, contrary to what one may think, does not only happen to young people but to all ages . The love stories that are born on holiday are favored not only by the situation, a beautiful place and free time, but also by the tranquility with which the partners are living that period, without stress and work or personal worries.It is easier to open up when you are traveling and let yourself go, trusting another person “, explains Luciano Grigoletto, psychotherapist, author of a book that is having great success, the Little survival manual for couples (ed. St. Paul).

So the two or three weeks pass in a small idyll, and one leaves oneself determined to stay together, despite the distance, sometimes hundreds of kilometers, and their respective commitments. How to make a relationship work that starts with a similar disadvantage? “First of all, taking note and accepting that it will never have the same rules of cohabitation – explains Grigoletto -. It is obvious that it will not be possible to demand from the partner a “presence” like that which occurs in the daily life of couples, and it will be necessary to come to terms with a certain degree of solitude without making it weigh on the other , otherwise we enter a conflict between victim and perpetrator: I would like you here but you are never there! ».

However, the distance stories also have many positive elements : «While everyday life, routine is the factor that tends to break up the image of the“ prince charming ”, the distance means that every moment, every meeting is expected, enhanced by the ‘importance he has lived to the fullest because time is short and being together is never trivial, “continues the expert.

But in the end, “in order to live a long-distance relationship well, we need to ask ourselves what kind of people we are and what we ask of a love story – explains the psychotherapist – if we are very independent, in love with our city and our work, full of interests and friends, the distance of the partner is not a problem. I know extremely balanced couples who keep separate houses or even live very far away and meet many times during the year, carefully planning trips and weekends together, and also moments to spend at each other’s home ».

In these relationships, stresses Grigoletto, control anxiety disappears completely. ” You can’t expect to control someone , let alone a thousand kilometers away. The theme of trust is a priority and there must also be mutual fidelity because if it is lacking, then it is difficult to recognize a project of couple , but rather a scheme of friendship “with benefits” ».

But can you count on a partner who lives far away? «Yes, in a love affair you count on your companion, even from a distance. Maybe it is something that is not declared but there is, and if it is lacking it is a great disappointment ».

And if many “work well” by staying at home, others invest time and energy in planning a life together : “Moving? I see it well if we meet halfway or in a new apartment, in a neutral space on which both have invested. Being the partner under the house with suitcases and a hopeful smile could make the other person feel a bit overwhelmed … For this reason it is important to discuss such an important step well, evaluating the mutual difficulties. If you are convinced, then starting a life together is a revolution and a restart “.
And for those, instead, that passion is diminishing, that history gradually fades, “Patience. But it does not mean that that relationship, born in summer, did not matter: it was right at that time and it had something beautiful anyway. As De André said, “better to leave us than never having met each other” .

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